Lean Forward - or boat time now.

The first title was "slug fest" meaning I feel like a slug.
Be careful - you are what you think or say you are.

But it is much more "now" to say lean in or lean forward.

Lean in to being stuck.  The last 90 days have been difficult. Will I ever feel good again?
Goes back to second GE riff.  Job search.  Find job - grateful to have job. Then find out have to have surgery.
Job is a pain - could say challengning.  But not "into" challenging.  Can't lean into that.

Bad attitude.  Walked around crying for weeks.  Do not know what I am doing. Back and forth between thinking I got it and then feeling lost.

And then there is the pain.  Not being able to walk - and being angry because I feel pain - feel like a slug. Thus the slug fest.

This stinks. Yet could be worse. Is worse for so many I should just shut up and take it.

Almost 1/2 way through 2013 - I can't believe what kind of a year this has been.  I think about thinking about what I will think about this year when it is over.

Many riffed when I was do not have work.  Their health insurance is about to run out.

Not happy about going to Sanibel.  If I go anywhere - want to go to Italy.   Feel disconnected. Alone - adrift. Pissed, tired.  I want to think about what I want to do . Can I visualize what it looks like?

TV is good.  PBS - some series.  I can see how people can get lost in the tube.  Me too.

Angry, hurt up and down.  At times there are glimmers of clarity and a flicker of excitement or passion. But very faint and fleeting.


five powerful questions
what do you want?
what about this is important?
what will I do and when will I do it?
what else?
what's next?


Ok - so I will live in Italy during the winter for a few years.  I will live at the lake - not sure which one - with Rome,  not sure he will go to Italy.  We will sit in a boat and fish.

Maybe I will write a memoir - do I have anything to say that anyone wants to hear?   I am reading "Life on Mars" by Trace K. Smith  - she won the Pulitzer for poetry.   Should I write poetry?  I love Louis Jenkins -

"Nice Fish" - by Jenkins - little short stories.

Just blogging is helpful - a hint of my own power and sense of self.

Every day, little wins.   A short painful walk, one iota of creativity, eat my vegtables - I will know what is next by 2014 - I declare.  Little wins.  Quiet time 10 minutes at a time.

I also declare "I am" before I fall asleep.