End of March, Birthday's, Illness, Figuring Out Work Days

Easter Sunday - singing the much loved Easter hymns.  The message from the gospels.   New info about Mary Magdalene over the past weeks.  Knowing that in my heart my hearts, I am a Christian (not one of those false Christians) and love the history, art, study of, and even the disgraceful, aspects of being a Christian.  Insight into women - strong women, smart women.

Challenges - still struggling about art - where to do art at home.  Experimenting with writing - where and when.   I want to make art, I should just do it.  Real artists do not, did not worry about where or how.  They just did because they had to - make art.  Some things are positive, somethings are depressing.   Why are some people so talented, driven, successful - know what to do? 

   

The last day of March 2018.  Sunny - between two spring breaks - Oregon this week and Washington next week.

I got up early to go to Fort Clatsop 

The next day - I am just adding to the Post already started.  The idea after writing in two digital journals ow my third online class via the Loft (I love the Loft) is to:

• Develop/do a writing practice.
• To find a writing place - my desk reminds me of "work".  
• Today and earlier this week I wrote at the library.
• Now I am writing in my local Starbucks - usually all the "good tables" at the two close Starbucks are taken.   You know, everyone writing their novel or screen play.  Good for them, at least they know what to write!
• This is also part of my retirement - intentions - how to retire and to figure out what I am going to do with the time.   
• So maybe it looks kind of what I did today - I visited Fort Clatsop -I will be volunteering there. 
• Buddy and I walked the Netul  landing trail.  
• I ran a couple of errands.   
• I listened to the writer of 12 Rules for Life talk about the rules and his life - how the book came about - Dr. Jordan B. Peterson.  Sort of interesting - the part I resonated the most with was his detailed description of what it means/feels like to live in cold country.   I mean really cold country like Fargo North Dakota or Alberta Canada.  I actually felt nostalgic.   Growing up in cold country makes one hardy.   I could feel the cold and knew exactly what he was talking about.  Cold and dark - like the north is in the winter.  Superbowl chatter for MN "THE BOLD NORTH" .
• I did register for another Loft class a few moments ago - the last class was challenging due to health issues within the family - focusing on Judy and Sheila - still more to pray about with Sheila.  Also the topic was"hard" - essays.  I struggled. 
• Right now I am writing - I need to decide what to write about.  Or what to write.
• Part of my challenge is to do art also.   

Authentic, the truth, "writing down the bones" as Natalie Goldberg would say.   I avoid taking time to confront or consider what is going on, or what I want to do.

I think I want to write - but what would I write?  Maybe I need to write a story or a memoir, or a story.

Dream come true after 25+ years of working - I am working part time - this is exactly what I wanted.  I had moments, planning for this transition when I wondered what I would do every day all day.  Working part time provides a little more cash until FRA and gives me something to do.  It also allows me to provide value in a way that I can based on my experience. 

I am doing things, going to coffee with the AA women, going to the women's meeting, once in awhile church.  An art class.  I have identified open studio times to create art.  I am beginning my volunteer work at Clatsop.   I have taken some on line writing classes at the Loft.   Working part time adds to what there is to do.

Still I feel like I am missing something.  What am I doing?  I am bored, purposeless. Not sure what I would do if I could do anything.

I need discipline, or have it but no value or outcome.  I create nothing of value.

I also feel less than.  I think of people and feel like they are making more of a contribution, they have more going for them.  Have better relationships.

What should I do?  I have no idea.  I think travel - but travel where and do what?  When I am traveling?

Do art - have not figured out how exactly to do art here - I pull things out - a few things and work on the counter.  I think it would be good to have art space.  Though I have checked out areas where I could do art.  If I did art in some places - studios - I might also meet people.  And art is frustrating to me - never like what I do, do the same thing over and over.  Now, in this house, right now anyway - not a very good space to do art.

I have difficulty committing to things - even now, volunteering at Clatsop is a little scary - I need to commit to it!! 

(Things settled down with Judy, heatlhwise -  but there is still grave concern about Little Sheila. )