Ego run riot and even as I am in the middle of expressing egoism I feel bad. Not authentic. Less than but trying to be more. I think this is fear and loathing. Fear about being found out.
Also - I do love the program and am grateful. But my life is more.
At coffee this morning, it felt good to listen to everyone and provide support. Mindfulness listening.
But when they start talking about everything they are involved with in the program - I feel guilty and "out of the know" . I often do not know what they are all talking about. Step meetings. They have sponsors, are sponsors. Very program focused. It is good to have a place to be.
I must remember that we all have different experiences. Some were drunk raising kids. I did not do that - I choose another way.
Humility - must cultivate humility, be a good listener, be grateful. Often I hear really good things.
When I got home that night, Rome and I had a discussion about the program related ( but not approved AA) events we hear about here. It is OK if it works for people and helps them to stay sober. But it is OK if I choose not to participate in these so called step meetings.
Interesting time right now - moments of panic and apprehension and excitement about the next chapter. When I think about being in - living in Seaside, not sure the location offers what I thought I I was going to be investigating or getting involved with is available. I thought I might become an Benedictine Oblate.
True, I have just begun to find out about the area.
I think I need to have a retirement "schedule" - some day to day discipline:
Walk and work out
Write
paint/make art
meditate
Learn a language
Find a reading group
Go to coffee
I do want to travel
Monitor TV watching
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