Authentic self. It seems like it is a little late for that. By this age, should I not know my authentic self?
I take measure. It is usually about giving myself kudos for some small accomplishment. Went for a walk, created a watercolor "start" (not the whole painting mind you). Got the kayak out. Read something, went to church or some other spiritual endeavor. Why?
I am lost, confused, unfocused. I need a project? I need something to be productive with. This has been on the docket for a long time. I have gone through time, places, people, stuff waiting to engage.
I am crabby, have high expectations of others, isolated, a non contributor. Terrified of retiring or stopping the corporate job due to not knowing what I will do with myself.
Why did I go through this much of life not doing what I wanted to do? How did I get this far not knowing what I wanted to do?
I take inventory of myself. There are several "events" or things that I have done that I am deeply ashamed of. These things still haunt me. They crawl into my consciousness if I am not vigilant. I think I have written them on scraps of paper and burned them or "given them away" . And they still haunt me.
Even tonight. I did not go to the Women's meeting which is probably one of the "keys" to me figuring this out. Or at least, helps to reduce the feeling of isolation. What is wrong with me?
I am afraid. I feel less than. These two twins have been sitting between my ears for 60 years now still setting the stage for the rest of what goes on for me.
I will do a version of me screaming. that can be a project - it might feel good.
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