New stuff. New places, dark streets, one road 101, two lanes, traffic coming at you with little light to see where you are going. My night vision for driving is not what it was so it is scary. I squint.
But do not see any clearer.
What the fuck did we do? This move certainly is more for Rome. I am missing a decent Starbucks or Caribou. The coffee culture is important to me. I used to go to Starbucks, or Caribou or Barnes and Noble in St cloud - or wherever and read, study, listen to onbeing, do music, write. Now where does one do that?
Where will I write my novel or collection of poems?
I confess - I did not always access or use the benefits that were close to me. I went to MIA occasionally - but the events and exhibits were grand and smart and forward and artful and sophisticated.
I knew it was there and it was a comfort for me. A comfort to me.
The same thing with the Monastery. St. Ben's or St. Johns. Smart, spiritual, challenging, accepting, forgiving. Retreats, a place of worship, a place of progressive thinking. Hell - thinking in itself.
Right now the thought of Seaside is that it is dirty, unsophisticated, closed, uncultured. A trashy wasteland.
We went to the recycle place and Uncle Johnny was not there. I need to find an open studio, a place to write, read and think and listen.
What am I to do?
Also terrified of being here and no one to take care of us. I may not get up the stairs - the driveway is frightful. There is no space - not enough space. I do not have a studio or place to - TO DO WHAT?
People are stupid, closed, not educated, poor. Where is the quiet beauty. The sea is nice, the beach is nice. But it is also crowded, trashy and dirty.
There are more things I dislike than like. Really not a place to walk right outside the door, no sidewalks. You have to drive.
MIA, the Paramount, the Monasteries, a bookstore with a coffee shop. Good coffee - a clover. I can't fucking believe it - I miss St Cloud, MN.
******
I am so glad I went to Florence. I can hardly believe I was there. I knew there would be some limitations due to being along - like walking into a restaurant alone. But I will get better at it.
I thought deeply.
I did not think at all.
I sat quietly.
I prayed.
I listened.
I felt God followed along in my hotel room and at the Duomo, and San Lorenzo and at the Badia and Oginisanti. I actually felt at home.
Pretty much.
What to do with myself? What do you want to do? I want to talk to someone. To share, to be challenged. To be honest. I want to forgive myself for all of the dumb and arrogant things I have done.
What I want has not changed as I reflect back. I should be in a Townhouse or owned apartment in the city, with a view of the river, enough room to play with paint, words, paper. Within walking distance of art, coffee and places to share. A member of groups, a way to share and talk to people. Access to studio or places to take classes, share ideas.
A good book store with coffee. A place, public place to read, write and listen. I am thinking thinking picturing in my minds eye if any of this is true for me now. Not much. How could I have missed this when it is not new. I did have a deep down sense that even in St. Cloud, I was getting closer to where I wanted to be. A few things came into alignment.
What was missing was close friends. Though I did have community with the Sisters. with some of the art classes I took at the Paramount.
The rental was awful....that whole experience, neighborhood etc served a purpose but was depressing and ugly.
I know visualization works.
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