I guess I didn't get it "right" the first time....

Riffed again.  Not sure where this tirade is going but if I don't do something to vent - to cry - to create - to wonder - to be validated  - I feel I will slide into the couch.

There - said it.  I have felt powerless and angry and stuck.  An almost 60 year old woman who most times has a strong sense of self wasted and sinkingi nto the couch.  Feeling like I must "look like" my Mom because that is how I see myself when I look in the mirror.

That is not bad - I just did not want to do that now or yet.

What really REALLY??? makes me pause is the true story and

fact that this job, product, company has been a downer for 4 or 5 years now.  I am aghast when I think too much about it that I have spent this much time doing something that has been so unenjoyable and so lacking in any true feeling that i have made a contrirbution!

How could I do this to myself?

I am not the only one.    There are many of us phamisians who have wasted time at GE.  We kept telling each other we were sticking to it due to the pension.  And that may be a good enough reason.

There are at least two of us who have been riffed a second time.  My good buddy Jan C.  This is our second time.

I don't know if I created this because I was sure that I would be let go at some point because GE killed the RCM product.  But before that Development killed the RCM product by not doing the work to make it marketable and not telling anyone until a customer got their hands on it and it did not work.  I will talk more about that later.

I believed this happened for several reason.  I am not a clinician, the RCM product has been killed (all of CE killed - but taking a little longer for the clincial product to actually die...) the MU Stage 2 I am working on can mostly work without me.  They only need me to blame things on - you know that "inept product owner" - and my age.

I am  almost 60 so it was very easy to put my name on the list.

I will come back to this I am sure.

What I really want to touch on is thoughts while reading "Transitions" again.  The chapters on the neutral zone - and the idea that one makes changes without a transition.  That is what I did the first riff - I made a change. A job change or two.

I was still stuck.  This time - I want to make a transition - to figure out what really is next.  It is interesting - last time   I "seriously"  thought like this I enrolled in school - must have been 2009 in the HIM program.  2012 and I have graduated and passed the certification test.

OK - that is nice - finally getting that done and GE did pay for it - very good.

This time - approaching 60 - I want to take time to learn a little more about what is really next.

I have decided that this time I will not in a panic go back to a job too fast.  I will take time and deicde what it really looks like - unless there is a chance to do something different for a couple of years to pay off the house etc.

Once again - how could I have spent so many years doing something that was not satisfying, where I did not feel like I was apprieciated or making a contribution.  For awhile that was ok because I re discovering ART - I was so discipline and having such fun creating.

But eventually I became stuck and unable to create, knit, write - it has been hard to reach out to others.  I admit - it has been bad.

I am going to select a picture for this rant and plan for the next - this will be by journal of what is happening.     The attached link is the blog from the first time this happened.


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