Settlethedust....

I created this space because I was driven to have a "secret" place to put down thoughts.  Thoughts that would not be read by anyone else and that - I hoped, would flow freely.

I feel unfocused, judgmental (mostly of self) and at the same time keenly aware that if I can afford to spend time even thinking like this I am self centered and have way too much time.  I might decide that I am living a luxurious life.  I suspect that many are exhausted and mind weary just trying to function in this economy and hold themselves up.

I need to get out of myself.

It occurred to me after rereading the "myth" or story from "Transitions" - which I have not looked at for a year that I may be still in a neutral zone - not having really made a true change to transition.  I just moved from one job and style of work to another.  In fact in the same company, with the same product, the same people, the same problems.  I took a job I had had before.

My reasoning was that I just wanted something "I know" to finish work.  Corporate work life.  My thought was if I was going to really make a transition - it would not be in this industry, with these types of products.

A year (January 2011) ago I was "riffed" from a job I had had basically for 20 years. This year - 2012 it was like waiting for the "other shoe to drop" as Christmas time off ended and work began.

I will say I was depressed and worried.  But telling myself to be calm and grateful.

There are a few things going on that added to this malaise.  I was not feeling well - knee pain and hip pain plaguing me then and now.  After adding yoga back I do feel better.  Some days I push myself to keep moving. It seems like it was all of a sudden.  I was in pain and could not walk as far, was stiff, inflexible.  After being very active always I suddenly - really - quite suddenly felt old.

I hate to type the words - but I have been concerned about money.  I have a belief system that says there is no lack of anything and that I just need to be open and receptive and prosperity will come.  Besides, I am back to work, generating an income and need to stop whining and say thank you.

I wanted to - almost quit school.  After all this time - too much time.  Thinking I can't get through algebra - I fought for a few days - was crabby and rationalizing why I should quit - but decided to take the path of least resistance and to just show up - for now.