Saturday, a walk through the dunes and on the beach at Gearhart. Buddy came along as always. He is my shadow. Or maybe I am his. Sunny, the sea calmer. From the Gearhart beach you can see Haystack Rock and the Lighthouse are visible in the distance.
Listening to "The Book Thief". Wonderful, love to listen to books. I feel a kin to Liesel - who loved to read - was a thiever of books.
Some days Saturdays are a challenge. Up and down - often excited and full of hope and just as often, like today, feel a little low, distant, feeling less than, wanting to be alone. I wonder, what will I do?
Observations, traffic busy today, moving to spring - nice weekends and more people come down the coast or over the pass. How I arrange my days are based on how "busy" it seems or how traffic flows.
I did not feel great when I woke up this morning - a little but of an upset stomach. Felt tired, did not feel like going to coffee with the women.
So funny and warm and easy to visualize - the book thief and her best friend, sitting together on a red tool box.
Tomorrow I go to Kerri's Yoga as Medicine seminar. That was one reason I felt like spending a quiet day without the coffee group or going any where else today where there would be lots of people.
"Humans have the good sense to die." Death speaks from the book thief. This is fitting, for my mood - which is up and down during this time of transition. "I held her Mamma and her Pappa - their souls were so soft".
I need to read the book again: TRANSITIONS
Endings
The Neutral Zone
New Beginnings
I will spend some time thinking about transitions.
The Wombs - planning to spend some time together this summer. There was mention of a celebration. What are we celebrating? Why do I feel less than? Almost afraid or more fearful of seeing my best friends. Why? Why do I feel so less than? I often dread the thought of getting together with family, friends, work mates, the coffee group. It is because I feel less than. This feeling has been one of my "twins" for my whole life. This shadow follows me around wherever I go and shows up wherever I am. Since I feel fearful, I either talk to much or not at all. Try to hide. When I talk I sound arrogant to myself, then feel bad and then scold myself for not being more humble. Or I don't talk at all and come across as being aloof.
Brene Brown TED Talk and Yoga Seminar with Kerri. Sunday 2/11/2018.
Man in the arena - the credit goes to the man in the arena - win or lose - but daring greatly.
Shame drives who do you think you are and your not good enough. Shame is uncomfortable but adaptable. Never good enough? Who do you think you are? Shame is I am bad - guilt is I did something bad.
Shame is correlated to addition, depression, bullying, eating disorders, violence.
Shame for women is: do it all, do it perfectly, and never let them see you sweat. (from Enjolie perfume - really drove a lot of anti depressants meds !!)
Shame for men: do not be perceived as week.
Empathy is the antidote to shame.
I am going to go out there and kick some ass when I am as perfect as can be and bullet proof - it will never happen and that is not what we want to see or need to see.
We numb at vulnerability. (getting laid off, laying off people, we are the most medicated, obese, addicted etc in US history...) I don't want to feel this stuff. We cannot selectively numb. We make everything certain - (tribal) Politics, religion - blame - away to discharge pain and discomfort. We take fat from our butt and put it into our checks.
When we stop screaming and listen - we can experience that I am enough.
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